Friday, January 27, 2012

tonight (yes, i am on the computer, blogging, on date night...i'm also eating pretzel m&ms and watching (500)days of summer. judge away) i have two things to share that i do not believe warrant any of my typical side comments. enjoy....

1. I am just an occassional crossdresser/Transvestite ..... I'm not Gay . I enjoy looking like a male just as much as I enjoy looking like a female ... I only date females ... I only share my secret with a few people , not just anyone . I am easy going and always avoid drama . If you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything . NO question will be considered Dumb or weird. Don't be shy about sending a messege to me ..... I Promise to be very sweet and respectful , even if you're not .I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A "One Night Stand" LIKE MOST GUYS . I'M NOT A PERV . Don't compare me to all the jerks that you have met, because I'm obviously not one of them . I'm just looking for someone who can appreciate the Feminine side and my Masculine side . I'm open to a relationship but not seeking one :)

2. You seem like a totally great person, well established, head on straight, molding young minds, beautiful, vibrant. It's women like you that make me wish I had made better life decisions, invested my time and money and effort more wisely. I would be in a better life situation, and thus could give a woman such as yourself the best, you deserve the very best in life. You've earned it. I not have it. But i'll converse, interested always.

Monday, January 23, 2012

i have gone out of my way not to name any of the dating websites that i have been using, just in case any of you who have stumbled across this blog are contemplating joining the virtual dating team..i would hate for you to start off with any pre-conceived notions of, i am not going to name the site i played on last.... i will say, however, that this site is pricey and spends a lot of the money you spend paying them to select your romantic destiny on cheesy television commercials displaying all the beautiful people they helped to find life long happiness...

i was particularly excited about this site because it boasts that they personally select your matches based on "twenty-nine dimensions of compatibility". throw in a nice smile and kind eyes, and i was just convinced this site was the answer to all my searching for prince charming....if we were compatible on twenty-nine levels how could we go wrong?! right??

this site asks you about 53,359 questions before you are even able to fill out your profile or upload any pictures....but i wholeheartedly participated in the interrogation, quite confident that each question brought me one step closer to my soul mate. one of the final questions was "how far are you willing to travel for love?" hmmm...that is quite a aruba? sure! i selected a one hundred mile radius of birmingham... after an hour, three glasses of wine and two mini 3 musketeer bars (don't judge! i had was a dessert wine) my profile was finally completed and i was ready to click "submit". after i clicked submit, the website said "please wait we are carefully selecting your matches". i was almost giddy. my prince charming was just moments away....thank goodness, because it would take a pretty impressive match to make the joining fee worth it....

the search for my perfect match took approximately a glass and a half of wine.....when finally i see "search complete. click to continue"......the very next message i read said, "we are sorry. we can not find someone that is compatible with you within your search radius (this means there is no one suited for me within a ONE HUNDRED MILE RADIUS OF BIRMINGHAM...oh.dear.) but don't worry! New people join our site every day. We will email you when we have found matches for you".

so, my dear online friends, you may thank my quirky, matchless personality for the continued opportunity to enjoy my blog.

Monday, January 16, 2012

it's been a while. i know you all probably assume it's because i started dating an awesome boy who is just way into me and, therefore, am no longer on the virtual (or real life) dating around circuit, and therefore have nothing funny to write about. nope. that's not the case. i have just been focusing on enjoying life. right here and right now....a ski trip...girls nights...trash tv...hiking..oh and i got a new cat...two more years, and three more cats and i will just be content to be the crazy old cat lady. but for tonight, i thought i would leave you all with a bulleted list of some funny things that have happened on the dating site in my absence....

amazing screen names:

*2good2btrue (this WAS a boy, i swear!)
*yknot69 (!!!!!!!!)
(and my all time favorite) FrEsHpRiNcEoFbIrMiNgHaM (he, by the way, sent me a message which said, "hey. do u mind dating outside of ur race?")

email interactions:

"you must be crazy or something. you are way to (!!!!!) pretty to be on a dating website"

"i saw you looked at my profile. you must be too shy to contact me, so i decided to take the pressure off of you and email you first" (actually, i did look at his profile, and decided not to contact him because he sounded like an arrogant tool bag...funny thing about that first was pretty accurate)

"what do you like to do?" (i responded with my usual list of fun activities..paint ball, four wheel riding, climbing, hiking, camping etc) "oh. i like girls that like to wear heels and dresses." (oh. well, then, we should probably stop wasting eachothers' time)

"you must have made a type-o on your profile. it says you are 27...there's no way. you must be 21. i hope this is the case because i am 18"

assorted awesomeness:

*one of the dating websites has "long distance pin pals" on the list of options of things you are seeking. (wait, what?!)

*one of the dating websites asks "do you have a car or another mode of transportation" as one of the questions they use to find potential matches from you.

*i got an email from one dating website stating that i had been selected as one of "the more attractive people on the website" and i would now be "matched with more attractive people" (wow. good to know prior to the discovery of my ultimate hotness, i was being matched with uglier people)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

here's a good one.....

this dates back to the first person i ever met in person from an online site.... we had been texting back and forth for a while. i can't remember the specific details of the texts, so he must have come across as normal and non creepy and he must have used decent spelling, grammar and punctuation. at some point, i can't remember which, we decided to meet in person. Since i was new at the whole internet dating thing, and (still) not convinced that internet dating would turn out anything other than lunatics, i suggested bowling...i figured this was a quick and painless way to meet someone because it gave me something to do other than awkwardly staring at some kid eat a taco and one game of bowling takes about fifteen minutes, with more games to be added if i deemed my bowling partner worthy.

so we met outside the bowling alley. in case you have never had the pleasure of a blind date, i will just tell you that it is always quite easy to spot him. he's the one shuffling his feet, in front of the specified location, with his hands jammed in his pockets, doubtfully scanning the parking lot hoping that a. you will show up and b. you aren't a photo shop wiz.

unfortunately for this young man, i did and i am not.

as soon as i walked up to him, i knew i had made a mistake. he was country as can be. he greeted me with a hug (NO SIR! i do not actually KNOW you and there are very few people in the world that i like to hug me anyway) and he said "howdy ma'am. you sure are real (ugh) purty". (mental note: new qualification: must not be from jasper) I knew right away that this would be a one round of bowling date. i must admit, as soon as he turned around to try his hand at bowling, i texted my friend and said 20 minutes....

luckily for me, i had already planned an escape route. my friend and i had planned, in advance, that i would text her an amount of time to wait before calling me with an emergency situation involving my daughter (original, i know) so, after twenty minutes of bowling, my phone rang and i delivered and oscar winning performance of "oh no. oh my! i will be right there", hung up, and looked at my date with a puppy-eyed pouty face and explained that i was so sorry i had to cut the date short, but i had to go handle an emergency. my date told me that he understood and responded to my second sincere apoplogy saying that it "ain't a big deal" and then he looked at me and said, "i know you think i am weird (perceptive little redneck), but i promise i'd treat ya right and grow on you like a fungus"

i don't think i have ever run away from a date more quickly.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I was texting back and forth with a guy from the dating website, when I began to get vibes of an unspecified but creepy combination of controlling, crazy and clinger. So, naturally, I took the coward's way out and simply stopped talking to him. Two days, twenty-five text messages a Facebook message and two emails later(all of these ignored, of course!), he messages me on the dating website and says, "I guess you don't want to talk to me anymore. (Crap! If I had known that this boy was so perceptive and smart I would have continued to talk to him!) I won't waist anymore of your time!" Thank goodness for that! My waist simply could not survive the trauma of recovering from another terrible relationship with a creep bag....and one that can't even spell on top of that!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Today's story comes from the dating archives... Filed back in November-in the folder labeled "I can't believe this actually happened to me". I was on a real date....with a real life boy. The best part about it? We had been "friends" for quite a while. That's promising? In the movies, girls always fall in love with their awesome friends after spending years being his shoulder to whine on in between every one of his failed relationships. Right? WRONG! In my case, it simply meant that I knew this boy well enough to know that a date with him should have been the least palatable thing I could imagine and that I should have said, "next please!" well before we ended up at dinner together. Luckily for you, who will get a chuckle at my expense; and unluckily for my dignity, that phrase, and frankly, the attitude of being too awesome to go on dates with creeps, hadn't been developed yet.

At any rate, I'm mid way through this date ( A date where I, once again wasted too much time preparing for. I brushed my hair and put on perfume. I even wore my sexy black boots and skinny jeans!) when I get up to use the bathroom. When I walked up behind him, from the bathroom, I honest to goodness hear him making arrangements to meet up with the ex we were whining about last week "as soon as he got finished handling his stuff tonight". I tried to keep the appalled expression off my face, as I made some awkward comment about how dirty the bathroom was. He stammered, "I gotta go. I'll call you when I get through here" and shot me a uncomfortable smile, secretly wondering if I had over heard his conversation. I had. Obviously. My initial idea was to respond by saying, "don't flatter yourself, buddy! I took so long in the bathroom because I was desperately looking for the fire escape out of the back of the restaurant when I remembered I didn't have my car". Instead, I beckoned the waitress over and ordered the two most expensive desserts off the menu and proceeded to take very small bites and chewing as slowly possible while shooting him my best "I'm way to awesome for you" smile.

Next, please!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

well, if two posts in one night isn't a testament to how lame my dating life is at the present moment, i will submit this story as further evidence:

so, i went on a date with an actual real life boy. i did all the right things, i waited for him to call. i let him call the shots, name the place and time. etc...he said we would go to olive garden- because he knew it was one of my favorite places. (thoughtful? check) and then we would go see j. edgar because he knew how badly i wanted to see it (listens to me when i talk? check) i washed and did my hair (even put hair products in it!) and was ready right on time (he said being late was one of his game enders).... so the date went well. we didn't run out of things to talk about...and the movie? well, it was lame. but he appeared to be a good sport about we parted ways... again, i did the right thing, by not sending any texts with clinger vibes saying what a great time i had and couldn't wait to see him again. and the next day, he text me and said he had a great night and was looking forward to seeing to me (to which i gave myself a pat on the back...maybe this whole allowing yourself to be pursued thing actually works in real life...right?) so, we go on another date. bowling. went awesome. lots of laughing, talking. little to no awkward moments of starting at each other, trying to invent something interesting to say. we part ways, and once again, i wait for his text. two days later...asking me to come to a softball game with him. ok. cool, i can do that. the next day? i get a text that says he's sick and he will text me when he feels better.... so, unless he had a sickness that made all his fingers fall off and there for left him incapable of calling or texting me, this was the best way he could possibly think of to blow me off (three weeks ago!) i have not called, texted or even thought about him...with the exception of writing this post...he's not worth my time if he can't even be honest with me when he's telling me that "he's just not that into me".

fast forward two weeks....i meet another guy. at a pub while grabbing a burger with a friend after work. we talk to him a while and he seems very nice (check) is cute (check) good job (check) annnnd! he asks for my number. cool! so, we shoot a few texts back and forth in the next couple of days. turns out we have a lot in common and he's pretty funny. win. and he says that we should meet up for ice cream (!!!! the way to my heart !!!!! ) HE sets the date and so, the next couple days, we text back and forth some (not a creepy level of texting) then comes the day of the big ice cream date....i get the following text, "hey. sorry can't get ice cream today. i think i am getting sick". i send back, "that's cool. sorry you don't feel well. hope you get better soon".

that sickness where you NEVER call the girl back to let her know you are feeling better must really be going around lately. i think the cure for that is a huge dose of "NEXT PLEASE". i do not have time for guys like that in my awesome life. obviously.