I was texting back and forth with a guy from the dating website, when I began to get vibes of an unspecified but creepy combination of controlling, crazy and clinger. So, naturally, I took the coward's way out and simply stopped talking to him. Two days, twenty-five text messages a Facebook message and two emails later(all of these ignored, of course!), he messages me on the dating website and says, "I guess you don't want to talk to me anymore. (Crap! If I had known that this boy was so perceptive and smart I would have continued to talk to him!) I won't waist anymore of your time!" Thank goodness for that! My waist simply could not survive the trauma of recovering from another terrible relationship with a creep bag....and one that can't even spell on top of that!!

Today's story comes from the dating archives... Filed back in November-in the folder labeled "I can't believe this actually happened to me". I was on a real date....with a real life boy. The best part about it? We had been "friends" for quite a while. That's promising? In the movies, girls always fall in love with their awesome friends after spending years being his shoulder to whine on in between every one of his failed relationships. Right? WRONG! In my case, it simply meant that I knew this boy well enough to know that a date with him should have been the least palatable thing I could imagine and that I should have said, "next please!" well before we ended up at dinner together. Luckily for you, who will get a chuckle at my expense; and unluckily for my dignity, that phrase, and frankly, the attitude of being too awesome to go on dates with creeps, hadn't been developed yet.

At any rate, I'm mid way through this date ( A date where I, once again wasted too much time preparing for. I brushed my hair and put on perfume. I even wore my sexy black boots and skinny jeans!) when I get up to use the bathroom. When I walked up behind him, from the bathroom, I honest to goodness hear him making arrangements to meet up with the ex we were whining about last week "as soon as he got finished handling his stuff tonight". I tried to keep the appalled expression off my face, as I made some awkward comment about how dirty the bathroom was. He stammered, "I gotta go. I'll call you when I get through here" and shot me a uncomfortable smile, secretly wondering if I had over heard his conversation. I had. Obviously. My initial idea was to respond by saying, "don't flatter yourself, buddy! I took so long in the bathroom because I was desperately looking for the fire escape out of the back of the restaurant when I remembered I didn't have my car". Instead, I beckoned the waitress over and ordered the two most expensive desserts off the menu and proceeded to take very small bites and chewing as slowly possible while shooting him my best "I'm way to awesome for you" smile.

Next, please!

well, if two posts in one night isn't a testament to how lame my dating life is at the present moment, i will submit this story as further evidence:

so, i went on a date with an actual real life boy. i did all the right things, i waited for him to call. i let him call the shots, name the place and time. etc...he said we would go to olive garden- because he knew it was one of my favorite places. (thoughtful? check) and then we would go see j. edgar because he knew how badly i wanted to see it (listens to me when i talk? check) i washed and did my hair (even put hair products in it!) and was ready right on time (he said being late was one of his game enders).... so the date went well. we didn't run out of things to talk about...and the movie? well, it was lame. but he appeared to be a good sport about it....so we parted ways... again, i did the right thing, by not sending any texts with clinger vibes saying what a great time i had and couldn't wait to see him again. and the next day, he text me and said he had a great night and was looking forward to seeing to me (to which i gave myself a pat on the back...maybe this whole allowing yourself to be pursued thing actually works in real life...right?) so, we go on another date. bowling. went awesome. lots of laughing, talking. little to no awkward moments of starting at each other, trying to invent something interesting to say. we part ways, and once again, i wait for his text. two days later...asking me to come to a softball game with him. ok. cool, i can do that. the next day? i get a text that says he's sick and he will text me when he feels better.... so, unless he had a sickness that made all his fingers fall off and there for left him incapable of calling or texting me, this was the best way he could possibly think of to blow me off (three weeks ago!) i have not called, texted or even thought about him...with the exception of writing this post...he's not worth my time if he can't even be honest with me when he's telling me that "he's just not that into me".

fast forward two weeks....i meet another guy. at a pub while grabbing a burger with a friend after work. we talk to him a while and he seems very nice (check) is cute (check) good job (check) annnnd! he asks for my number. cool! so, we shoot a few texts back and forth in the next couple of days. turns out we have a lot in common and he's pretty funny. win. and he says that we should meet up for ice cream (!!!! the way to my heart !!!!! ) HE sets the date and time.....cool. so, the next couple days, we text back and forth some (not a creepy level of texting) then comes the day of the big ice cream date....i get the following text, "hey. sorry can't get ice cream today. i think i am getting sick". i send back, "that's cool. sorry you don't feel well. hope you get better soon".

that sickness where you NEVER call the girl back to let her know you are feeling better must really be going around lately. i think the cure for that is a huge dose of "NEXT PLEASE". i do not have time for guys like that in my awesome life. obviously.

the winner of the "moronic email of the week" award goes to this gem..."hey. i just wanted to let u (PET PEEVE) know that u (there it is again...really! are you that busy and important that you have to save the nano second it takes to write the extra two letters in that word?!) have a really nice body. do u mind if i ask u what size u r (uggg!) on top??" YES! i do mind, actually. that's rude and makes you sound like a troglodyte.....next, please. BLOCKED.... sigh...he should have saved the time he spent writing that email....

last night i was trolling on the dating website...reading some profiles...just seeing what was out there..you know...and i find one profile...cute? check. non-raunchy profile? check. ok...so he passed the three second glance test...so, i decide to continue reading his profile...then came the clincher...he used "there" instead of "their" i am ashamed to admit it, but the improper use of there/their/they're and two/to/too is one of my game enders....now, this is when any normal person would click the little red x on the top left corner on the screen...right? me? of course not! clearly, i clicked on the little orange button which read "email this user" and sent the following email: "Hey! I was just reading your profile and thought you should probably know that you used the improper form of "there" on your profile. Hope you are having a good night!" the moment after i clicked send, i realized how silly it is that sometimes i actually sit around wondering why i am single. no more than 10 minutes later i get a response which reads: "Thanks for letting me know. I figured I probably did. English is my week subject." sigh. Next, please!!

It is with much chagrin that I make my first confession to the blog world. I joined a dating site. Don't worry, I can feel your judging eyes and imagine your equally as judging comments as you scan the last sentence to make sure you read it correctly. But, hear me out: I work all day, go to the gym, pick up my daughter, do the mommy thing (which some people make a full time job...cooking, cleaning, playing, general disaster control) and then, i clean her, put her to bed and by that time, i am about an hour past the optimal time of putting myself to bed. I ventured into this activity with fairly cynical opinions on the outcome, and so far, my judgements have not been that off base. Turns out, virtual boys are just as creepy as real life boys and imagine the panic of being a member of a site where over 23,000 people are looking for their destiny and you can't seem to find some one you are interested in conversing with, let alone meeting in person. It's a bit like going to DSW and not being able to find a single pair of shoes that tickle your fancy, at that point, you DESERVE to roam around barefooted. Even though online dating has proven to be a waste of time for it's original purpose, it is now a great source of entertainment. I figured I would share some of the entertainment, for those of you playing along from the comfort of your own stable relationship or happy little family. In case you are a guy, reading along, I figured you might benefit from a couple of general tips on how to gain the interest of a stable, normal non crazy girl (like me, clearly).

TOP TEN TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO I WILL NOT SPEAK TO (virtually or in real life)...and for those of you who have never had the pleasure of visiting an online dating site, YES people REALLY do ALL of these things!

1. I will not respond to you if your screen name has any number of x's placed before or after your name.... I would like to date an adult that knows how to function in society as an adult, not as a wannna be chat room loving 11 year old. the same principle applies to guys who think its cool to capitalize every other letter in their screen name or description. Get a life. Learn some grammar.

2. If your "what you are looking for" section says something to the effect of "I am looking for someone that already has kids", I will promptly block you, creepbag!. After reading something like this, I will NEVER be able to picture you as anything other than a mustache sporting creep, driving around in an ice-cream truck with tinted windows. Oddly enough, "potential child molester" is not hidden ANYWHERE in my "what you are looking for" section.

3. if you send me a message that reads, "what are you wearing?" expect nothing less than a response like, "Actually, I am wearing a huge sign on my for head that says you are a gross creep, and I am blocking you."

4. In the employment section, putting, "um. yeah. I am working on that" is NEVER a good idea for anyone over the age of 16...and, to be clear, anyone under the age of 16 should not be so disillusioned with real life dating that they have already resorted to virtual dating. IF you insist that being an unemployed bum is your life's calling, can't you word it in a way that makes you sound at least a little more important and stable?

5. If anywhere on your profile says, "I am not going to post a picture of my self until I lose quite a bit of weight". Sorry, but you are not going to get many responses. You have to think that you are handsome and worth looking at before someone else thinks the same thing!

6. On the other hand, if your profile says, "I am exceptionally good looking and kind hearted" I will also not be responding to you. I am not interested in dating a self-proclaimed ego maniac.

7. If your about me section says, "I will cook and clean and do all the laundry", I am not speaking to you. I don't want to date a liar, and NO guys REALLY do that ALL THE TIME. without ANY help or prodding.

8. if, at any point in our email exchanges you make the comment, "Man, I hope I like you in person! I am tired of being single". A. I don't want to date a desperate guy, as they, more often than not, turn into stage 5 clingers. B. I do not want to date a guy who is dating me because he is desperate enough to settle for me.

9. If you post a picture, taken by yourself, from your smart phone, in your bathroom mirror, displaying your shirtless chest. As classy as this may seem, trust me, IT'S NOT. First of all, I am not impressed that you have a smart phone. A lot of dumb people have smart phones these days. This rule ESPECIALLY applies to the guys who are only displaying the only six pack they will ever dream of owning is the one they consume nightly while lounging on the couch (you know, while the woman runs around doing all the chores you promised you would do EVERY day), scratching themselves and eating cheetos. Sorry, guys, but the beer gut is NOT a way to lure in a winner of a girlfriend.

10. if you say, "I won't be able to respond to you very quickly because I am super busy and important at work". No you aren't. Also, you won't have to worry about responding to me, because you WILL not have anything to respond to, trust me.

here goes nothing...

i have been playing with the idea of blogging since july when i experienced an epic break up...i kept on talking myself out of it, but finally, last night, i was watching "bridget jones' diary" and i decided to give it a whirl for these reasons:

1. i like talking. and currently, my life is filled with unbelievable dating drama horror stories...my real life friends may be tired of hearing them, but i am certainly not tired of telling them. if i tell them to my blogging friends, they can just stop reading when i start to bore them.

2. people like watching/reading about/listening to someone else's disasters because it serves a good reminder that their own life isn't as disastrous, relatively speaking. also people generally love watching train wrecks... most of us are wired that way, and the with the number of train wrecks that have happened to me in the last 6 months, i am apt to be writing a future blockbuster...

3. bridget jones did pretty well for herself after publishing a diary filled with her embarrassing dating woes, so maybe it'll end out that way for me....

4. everyone loves to vent. and somehow, posting things online, gives me the sick pleasure of knowing one day, that one of the horrible mean boys i am fixing to write about will stumble across my blog and spend that awkward moment wondering, "oh god! please tell me i am not that smut that she's writing about!"

so here goes nothing, my friends. grab a bowl of popcorn and enjoy my disastrous dating life. hopefully, you are hear to chuckle at my expense, rather than commiserate because your dating life is also this crummy...