It is with much chagrin that I make my first confession to the blog world. I joined a dating site. Don't worry, I can feel your judging eyes and imagine your equally as judging comments as you scan the last sentence to make sure you read it correctly. But, hear me out: I work all day, go to the gym, pick up my daughter, do the mommy thing (which some people make a full time job...cooking, cleaning, playing, general disaster control) and then, i clean her, put her to bed and by that time, i am about an hour past the optimal time of putting myself to bed. I ventured into this activity with fairly cynical opinions on the outcome, and so far, my judgements have not been that off base. Turns out, virtual boys are just as creepy as real life boys and imagine the panic of being a member of a site where over 23,000 people are looking for their destiny and you can't seem to find some one you are interested in conversing with, let alone meeting in person. It's a bit like going to DSW and not being able to find a single pair of shoes that tickle your fancy, at that point, you DESERVE to roam around barefooted. Even though online dating has proven to be a waste of time for it's original purpose, it is now a great source of entertainment. I figured I would share some of the entertainment, for those of you playing along from the comfort of your own stable relationship or happy little family. In case you are a guy, reading along, I figured you might benefit from a couple of general tips on how to gain the interest of a stable, normal non crazy girl (like me, clearly).

TOP TEN TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO I WILL NOT SPEAK TO (virtually or in real life)...and for those of you who have never had the pleasure of visiting an online dating site, YES people REALLY do ALL of these things!

1. I will not respond to you if your screen name has any number of x's placed before or after your name.... I would like to date an adult that knows how to function in society as an adult, not as a wannna be chat room loving 11 year old. the same principle applies to guys who think its cool to capitalize every other letter in their screen name or description. Get a life. Learn some grammar.

2. If your "what you are looking for" section says something to the effect of "I am looking for someone that already has kids", I will promptly block you, creepbag!. After reading something like this, I will NEVER be able to picture you as anything other than a mustache sporting creep, driving around in an ice-cream truck with tinted windows. Oddly enough, "potential child molester" is not hidden ANYWHERE in my "what you are looking for" section.

3. if you send me a message that reads, "what are you wearing?" expect nothing less than a response like, "Actually, I am wearing a huge sign on my for head that says you are a gross creep, and I am blocking you."

4. In the employment section, putting, "um. yeah. I am working on that" is NEVER a good idea for anyone over the age of 16...and, to be clear, anyone under the age of 16 should not be so disillusioned with real life dating that they have already resorted to virtual dating. IF you insist that being an unemployed bum is your life's calling, can't you word it in a way that makes you sound at least a little more important and stable?

5. If anywhere on your profile says, "I am not going to post a picture of my self until I lose quite a bit of weight". Sorry, but you are not going to get many responses. You have to think that you are handsome and worth looking at before someone else thinks the same thing!

6. On the other hand, if your profile says, "I am exceptionally good looking and kind hearted" I will also not be responding to you. I am not interested in dating a self-proclaimed ego maniac.

7. If your about me section says, "I will cook and clean and do all the laundry", I am not speaking to you. I don't want to date a liar, and NO guys REALLY do that ALL THE TIME. without ANY help or prodding.

8. if, at any point in our email exchanges you make the comment, "Man, I hope I like you in person! I am tired of being single". A. I don't want to date a desperate guy, as they, more often than not, turn into stage 5 clingers. B. I do not want to date a guy who is dating me because he is desperate enough to settle for me.

9. If you post a picture, taken by yourself, from your smart phone, in your bathroom mirror, displaying your shirtless chest. As classy as this may seem, trust me, IT'S NOT. First of all, I am not impressed that you have a smart phone. A lot of dumb people have smart phones these days. This rule ESPECIALLY applies to the guys who are only displaying the only six pack they will ever dream of owning is the one they consume nightly while lounging on the couch (you know, while the woman runs around doing all the chores you promised you would do EVERY day), scratching themselves and eating cheetos. Sorry, guys, but the beer gut is NOT a way to lure in a winner of a girlfriend.

10. if you say, "I won't be able to respond to you very quickly because I am super busy and important at work". No you aren't. Also, you won't have to worry about responding to me, because you WILL not have anything to respond to, trust me.